Healing and Childhood Memories

 I am not convinced anyone truly heals. We can move forward, we can try to do better. But true healing while forgetting? That is impossible. You will always have those memories even if you wish they didn't exist. 

My father wasn't a Christian when I was a child. He was a preacher for almost 10 years when he realized he wasn't saved. I was saved when I was 4. I've had people behave as if that made my life easy, but temptations still happen and I still did/do things I become ashamed of. 

My father and mother were both scary people before they were saved. Acting holy and blameless in public, but terrifying and like devils at home. My mom would exaggerate and we would be punished harshly for those exaggerations. My father would yell, storm around the house, and if we look at him wrong (or breathed the wrong way) we would be punished. 

As a child, most of my good memories involve when dad was around other people. When I realized this as I got older, I realized how bitter it had made me. I love my father still and can see how much he has grown. Every once in a while he turns in to that scary man again. But he has grown so much and those incidents are few and far between. 

As an adult woman, I am glad I married and moved out. I am thankful for my sweet husband, my beautiful daughter, and my second daughter on the way. I am thankful I don't live with him or my mom anymore. I hadn't realized how twisted my relationship was with them until I was in college. 

I adore both my parents. But they are/were sinners just like everyone else. My wedding was the biggest example of our twisted relationship. I needed to bow completely to their wishes, even though our pastor said the wedding was my decision. It ended up being theirs. 

I have forgiven them, but I am struggling through my own feelings with it two years later. I often wish we had simply eloped and did a party in NY, where we wanted it. 

With God there is healing. Our emotions/feelings sometimes take longer to work out than we would like. But I can feel myself healing a little every day. 

But it is a process. And it isn't a fun one. 

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